"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you,
sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in
your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her
like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love
pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the
doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and
more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good
doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the
case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not
take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever
be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and
quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to
the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes
Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he
leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.
Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get
Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger
door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing
softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the
front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls
down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I
gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his
wheelchair?"

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the
guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the
nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss, is, but what's that 'pop!" every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued
unabated. One after another, the sailor played
badly, and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!".
Again, the priest said "Do not utter such
profanities, or God will show you a sign".

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was
followed by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!". A bolt of
lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I missed!!!"

"So let me get this straight. You want to divorce Minnie
because you think she's insane?"

Mickey replies: "No! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts
playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the
keys,
licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another
fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming
back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them
on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can
play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has
another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and
says "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajama's off I'm
gonna fuck it!"

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and
the bride says to her new groom " Please promise to be gentle, as I am
still a virgin ".

The startled groom says " How can that be? You've been married 3 times
before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way. My first husband was a psychiatrist and
all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. "

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was
look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
ever...................................God I miss him !"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
436."

They thought for a while. Finally, one said, "Look -- we're the only
ones here. Why don't we just get naked so we don't have to worry about
it?"

They thought for a while and finally decided that, since no one else was
around, it would be OK. Stripped naked, they were well underway when
there came a knock at the church door. They immediately became alarmed,
thinking that someone was going to see them nude.

"Who is it?" one of the nuns cried out cautiously. "It's the blind man,"
came the reply.

The nuns breathed a sigh of relief, now that their modesty would not be
jeopardized. One of the nuns went to the door, opened it up, and said,
"May I help you, sir?"

The man stared at the nun and said, "Where do you want me to hang the
blinds?"

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed
his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a
splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with
only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular,
"At MIT, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be
thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the
bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past
the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Stanford, I learned
not to piss on my hands."

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station,
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station
attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his
waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f**kin' checking account
right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told
him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked,
"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in
the lottery and I want to open a f**kin' checking account in this
damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having a Cyber Affair
10 LATELY SHE SITS AT THE COMPUTER NAKED
9 AFTER SIGNING OFF HE ALWAYS HAS A CIGARETTE
8 THE GIANT RUBBER INFLATIBLE DISK DRIVE
7 IN THE MORNING THE COMPUTER SCREEEN IS ALL FOGGED UP
6 HE HAS GOTTEN AMAZINGLY GOOD AT TYPING WITH ON HAND. (YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT RITE)
5 SHE MAKES SARCASTIC REMARKS ABOUT YOUR SOFTWARE
4 LIPSTICK ON THE MOUSE
3 DURING SEX SHE SCREAMS A-COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 THE JAM IN THE LASER PRINTER IS A PAIR OF UNDERPANTS
AND THE TOP SIGN YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR IS
1 THE FAX FILE IS FILLED WITH PICTURES OF SOME GUYS ASS

The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword
puzzles.

The Pope says, "Can you think of a four-letter word meaning 'woman' that
ends with the letters, U-N-T?"

The Cardinal thinks for a moment. "Why yes, father. That would be 'AUNT'"

The Pope laughs, "YES! Of course! ...ha ha ha..." (pause) "Got an eraser?"

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory.
That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest
invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While
being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more
between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the
middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely
professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father,
ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat
down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle
and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows:
"Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper
and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know
for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

Little Johnny was sittiing in class one day. On this particullar day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven
first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes
to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his
hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first
because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The
teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought,
"I'm not going to like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do
you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher
asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well,
I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet
up in the air and she said 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball
hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his
crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his
hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened
his pants, and she put her hands inside.. She began to massage his
crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied:

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and
wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe
that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes
yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman
has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times
you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your
pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

It was supposed to be a happy time, but wasn't. Santa was really
p***ed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching
about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making
toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead
drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day
and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa
was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T
believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the
world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk and
my Elves are on strike. I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent
that %$@&({? Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?"Just then the Little Angel
opened the front door and stepped
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas Tree. He says: "So,
Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?"
...and that is the Tale of How the Angel got to be at the top of the
Tree.

Submitted by Elena Shur An old man was sitting on a park bench by himself when a punk rocker came
and sat down next to him.

The old man started staring at the punk rocker, looking closely at the
brightly spikey hair cut that had been coloured in blues, red, greens and
yellow. He also was looking at the slightly hooked nose.

The punk swung around,"What are staring at me for asshole, ain't you ever
done anything radical in your life?"

"Well I fucked a parrot once and I was just wondering if you were my son!"

Q: What is the difference between a used rubber tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One is a Goodyear, the other one is a great year.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return

for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The
crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and
the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a
while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke
up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle".

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk

about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed
to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the
docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and
said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night,
the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and
they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to
Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A group of married guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
The youngest, concerned about keeping the fire burning at home asks,

"What do you guys do to drive your wives wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden
and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over
her
body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her moan."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it
gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed
and wipe my johnson on the curtains. Drives her fucking nuts!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no
excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate)
or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A bus stops and two obviously Italian type men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady seated
behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following :-

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again, Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come
once more.

"You foul mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally
one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship,
so
as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very
nice sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy went to Cindy
and
said, "I'm having this problem... Its kind of a guy thing, but I need to
ask
you a favor." Cindy said "Okay." The guy said "Can I borrow your
eyebrow
pencil?" and Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said "sure, you can
borrow my eyebrow pencil." The guy then said "Do you mind if I use the
eyebrow pencil to draw a mustach on you?" Cindy is getting a little
worried,
but says "Okay." Then the guy said "Can you wear some of my guy
clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a
little
disappointed at this point, but says "Well I guess so." Then the guy
says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy, very dejected,
says
"I guess not."

So the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says "Fred --
You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!"

Stashew walks into a singles bar, hoping to get a little action. After
about 15 minutes, he makes eyes at this gorgeous blonde across the way and
she makes eyes back. Finally he gets the nerve to go over to her and
strike up a conversation. After a good while of teasing and chatting, he
asks her if she wants to have sex. She says "No, I can't, I am on my
menstrual cycle.' Stashew replies,"Thats ok, baby! I'll follow you on my
Moped!"

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have
some fun?'."

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I
will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray
and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and
worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male
talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do
you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put
your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his
hand.

He keeps staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally
detained by a policeman ...

PM: "What's the problem, buddy?"

DRUNK: "Someone stole my car! *hic*"

PM: "Where did you last see it?"

DRUNK: "It was right here on the end of my car key ..."

PM: "Uh huh. Did you happen to notice your fly is open?"

DRUNK: *Looking down at his fly* "Omigod officer! Someone stole
my girlfriend, too!"

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder
clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and
the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there
in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If
he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll
pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants
around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
better health plan."

A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he
sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow.
The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the
table.

The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, " do all the waiters
carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The waither answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and
he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables,
and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and
can be much more efficient."

Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse
me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending
too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other
end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I
simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash
my hands."

The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

There was once a Danish man and a Swedish man who lived next door to
each other. The Danish man owned a hen and each morning would look in
his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Swede's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the
Swede pick up the egg. The Dane ran up to the Swede and told
him that the egg belonged to himself because he owned the hen. The Swede
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finaly the Dane said " In my family
we normaly solve disputes in the following manner: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in
the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up
quicker wins the egg."

The Swede agreed to this and so the Danish man found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Swede and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Swede
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Swede stood up and said " Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Dane said "Keep the fucking egg."

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so
good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the
man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then
he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll
give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot
my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Instructions for reading: READ IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT!

One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the
toliet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't
even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch!

Later, I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna
my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to
go to toliet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the
checkout and the man at the desk say, "Peace on you." I say piss on
you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound:

A Pit Bull, a German Shephard and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told
the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece
tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going
to put me to sleep."

The German Shephard said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and
now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old
woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front
of me, so I mounted her."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.

"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped."

"Farming" by David Smeigh

It was just at the end of "CNN World News" when Jonathan Mann, the
anchor of the program, introduced a story about a farmer in New Zealand
who had an interesting technique for growing his tomatoes. He (the
farmer) in fact uses bras to make sure the tomatoes grow just right.
The farmer claimed that is the regular kind of bra that will help those
tomatoes grow just the way they should. No underwire will do, said he.

After the story was over the camera cut back to Jonathan sitting at his
desk at the CNN Headquarters in Atlanta. It was the end of the show and
at this point Jonathan was to introduce the upcoming news program. I
don't remember what it was called, but I remember that the anchor for it
was John Defterios.

So Jonathan looked into the camera, and with a straight face said, "Kind
of makes you wonder how he grows his cucumbers. And now to John
Defterios in London to tell us what is coming up next. John?"

John Defterios lost his cool, laughed out loud at first, and had a smile
on his face through the whole introduction of his show.

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is.
Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research. After 2
years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider
than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would
prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful
fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programme that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because
it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This
would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10
minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the

This ship goes out to sea and starts to sink. Six people (1 woman
and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really
lonely, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each
man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for
one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes
on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth
week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man
every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first
week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week
it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad,
the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad, soooooo...on the
sixth week......

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They bury her.


A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you
take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she
starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy
staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl
is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are
trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch
with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the
road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP!
HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"